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As women in the professional world,
unfortunately, there’s a lot of bullshit we have to deal with. This isn’t me
trying to pull the “women have it tough ‘cause of all the menstruating and
babies” card. This is a reality in many male-dominated fields, which
advertising happens to be. We want to be a part of the group and many of us
like making dirty jokes just as much as the guys do, so when someone crosses
the line into creepy rape-town, it’s always a little bit difficult to navigate.
Because while most of the time, the banter and interaction is innocent and just
a bit off-color, there seems to always be that guy who ruins it. There’s at
least one in every office, it would seem. Usually a married guy in his 30s to
40s in some sort of lower-level management position. Every woman wishes they’d
die in a fire, but, alas, they can’t see it. Now, you could sit there
submissively, acquiescing to their ridiculous behavior, or you could fuck up
their game all together. Here are some creative ways of dealing with the beardy
trunk monkey.
1. Lurker in a Dark Corner
So you’re walking through the parking garage
and he pops out of the trashcan like a horny Oscar the Grouch, backing you into
a darkened corner. In truth, this is actually a really scary moment. No chick
likes to be cornered by someone who wants to take them to non-consensual Bonetown. There are
always the classic responses if you’re not into just cold cocking a guy. One
can use pepper spray, a rape whistle, a dance off etc. But what if you don’t
have any of those in your bag of tricks? I’m gonna throw something out there,
just hear me out… Shit yourself. I know, I know, it sounds terrible and
disgusting, but it's supposed to be. Think about it: he’s cornering some hot chick
he’s trying to pressure into giving it up and she suddenly blows her pants up
like a toddler eating split pea soup? Attraction gone. You’re welcome.
2.
The Desk
Loiterer
Ever come back from lunch only to find someone
else sitting at your desk reading your emails, playing with your papers and smelling your lotion? Or perhaps you’re plugging away and he
plops his jewels right on your desk, moving them far too close to your
keyboard. And since you’re tensing up, he says you could use a shoulder rub. Not
only is all that uncomfortable as hell, that’s your space: why is he messing
with it? Obviously, boundaries aren’t a big deal to him. So he’s inviting you
to come and sit as his desk and play with his stuff, right? Of course! Does he have a gambling
addiction or look at kiddy porn? Tab a few pages on his laptop, send a few
questionable emails and it’ll sure look like he does. Perhaps this will get the
local FBI’s attention faster than HR’s, but hey, at least he’s not trying to unclasp
your bra anymore.
3.
Show and Tell
I had to deal with a coworker showing me his
junk before and here’s what I did. It was at a holiday party and he got far too
drunk/high to function before it even began. At about 6 pm, we were all smoking
outside and he decided it was time for a little full-frontal nudity. Because
when your drunk and high, it’s always
a good time for full-frontal public nudity. At 6 pm. So, he stripped down to
his skin and ran at me like coked up linebacker. Luckily, I saw him in the
reflection of the window ahead of me and could react. The last thing I wanted
was that penis anywhere near me. It looked like a hobbit hiding in the wooly
Shire and I was the one ring. So I ran a few steps,
turned around and threw an ice filled vodka soda on his troll. Not only did it
shrink the little bugger back into submission, it destroyed his self-esteem to
the point of leaving the party. If you don’t have an icy drink on hand, just
punch him in the dick. Works pretty well, too.
4.
The Texter
Is he sending multiple
inappropriate texts that you’re pretending you haven’t seen? “Hey cutie, I’m at
a whiskey tasting, but I’d rather be tasting (insert random body part)…” Being nice to him
isn’t gonna to help, it just seems to fuel his unwarranted self-esteem. Stop
trying to be nice. Start acting like the thunder cunt your cousin always told
you you were. Next time your little buddy sends you a text, you will send him
masses of cock pictures. No explanation, just the biggest, blackest dicks you
can find. Sign it, “Love Rex.” If anything, his wife will find them and think
he’s having an affair with a linebacker. If you’re really lucky, though, she’s just crazy enough go for a
little murder-suicide, then you don’t even have to make an HR complaint, 'cause it's
taken care of itself. Hooray!
5.
The Stalker
Stalking is the highest form of flattery...
obviously. But for some reason, when a random coworker knows my birthday, names
of all my siblings, where I live, my credit score, etc, I’m a bit… put off.
Want him to stop following you home from work and waiting for you outside your
gym? Easy. Find a group of your guy friends (if you have Army buddies it works
even better). Set up a fake interrogation room and have your
buddies surprise the creeper after work before he gets in his car, put a bag over his head and take him there. It’s totally
not kidnapping, you’re just borrowing him. They bring him to the “interrogation”
room and proceed to grill him like a terrorist. They tell him you’re a covert operative and he needs to quit digging into your life, because if he
doesn’t, the government will permanently silence him for the purposes of
national security. Remind him that from now on, he will be watched. Scare him
until he wets his Dockers and I guarantee he will never follow your cute little
butt again. And as a bonus, you look like a total badass.
