Notes on Finding Joy

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One of the most important things any person needs to understand in life is how to find joy. In a city like Seattle, that rains 9 months out of the year and has some of the most passive-aggressive Patagonia loving, suicidal hipsters know to these United States of America, sometimes it may seem difficult to find a sentiment that doesn’t seem totally fabricated. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love this city, it’s my home. Yet, I find myself craving more interactions that encourage real, human-like emotions that I don’t have to get from a Lifetime movie or Bon Iver song. It would seem that too many people are focusing their attention on activities and behaviors that can’t possibly bring them real happiness. Here are my top 5 things that a person/group can do to kill any joy boner. Sure, they may seem harsh, but consider it tough love, 'cause these things won't make you happy.

1.     The Cat Lady/Dude

So, you’re feeling lonely and want a companion that can help fill the empty void that containers of frosting just can’t seem to do. Why not mosey on down to the local shelter and pick up a new little buddy! Meow meow! Here’s the thing: cat lady stays at home with her feline friends because cats have no need of going outside for companionship. They’re dickheads who prefer to be alone stalking your furniture. They’re like sociopathic serial killers, except way less interesting. If you’re watching 9 straight hours of Real Housewives of Plastic Boobyland and you’re simultaneously complaining about how you haven’t been laid on a date since Christina Aguilera was still skinny to Mr. Mimsyswaddletoe the tabby cat, you need to re-evaluate your after work activities. 'Cause how are you gonna have stories to share with the guy at the coffee shop if all you can do is show pictures of your cat’s neutering scars? And if that does do it for them, you should probably run away.

2.     The Gossip Factory

Do you find yourself spending more time obsessing over the lives and issues of others than getting sunshine, bathing or playing with puppies? If the first thing that comes out of your mouth when you speak to people tends to begin with some iteration of, “Wow. You won’t believe what I heard…” followed by some story that either has no real evidence, is a total fabrication ‘cause you’re bored, or (more likely) has nothing to do with you, you may find some of these social symptoms: people tire of your company quickly, nobody trusts you with a secret and your relationships die horrible flamey deaths because being around you is like soul cancer. If you’re consumed with your friend’s divorce or a rumor at work about so and so and what’s his face to the point where you have your own newsfeed, you have given yourself Joyrectile Dysfunction and should probably focus on being a better person. Try surprising people with cookies. Have you ever seen anyone give the "Oh crap, she's coming" face when you're holding a tin of delicious snickerdoodles? Never. And that's science.

3.     Stalking Your Ex and/or Their New Flame

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing a casual Facebook drive-by on an ex and whoever they’re seeing just to look for flaws that could make you feel better about yourself. “Oh, she has that Cindy Crawford mole on her face. Well guess what, it looks like a smudge of poo and I bet it’ll turn into cancer.” Take that person you’ve never met! Or perhaps, “He looks like his hair line is receding. Win! Maybe he’ll go bald!” But, as soon as you try contacting the ex’s new flame, stalking them and making up coo-coo-pants stories to share with anyone who will listen, you have crossed a line into Crazy Town, run for mayor, won in a landslide victory and are possibly about to find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order. And that's just not an easy one to explain at your next job interview. 

4.     Serious Sally the Hypocritical Walrus

This person tends to cover many facets of the aforementioned traits, but in this category, it’s more about the joy they kill around them. This is the person who will file a sexual harassment suit at the office because they were asked if they wanted to be on the baseball team, but will openly talk about how they frequent the casual connections link on Craigslist to get their hump on. They file an HR complaint and ask to never have to work with everyone whose name starts with a consonant because their cat is offended by their mustache and then go to a bar and grind their bear trap on a stool they think is Ryan Gosling. This is where one needs to play the game, do I do that? If the answer is yes, you are offending yourself and should probably report you to HR. Fair is fair, love.

5.     Drunk Dialing Debbie

While I believe nothing brings a group of friends or strangers together faster than a well-timed round of shots, there’s still one rule we all need to remember. Say it with me, dears, “Moderation.” If you can down 10 Jack and cokes before you start thinking taking your pants off in public is a good idea, congratulations, you must have 3 livers or be an officer in the Soviet Army. На здоровье! If you find yourself two glasses of wine in and already texting your ex your top reasons you’d like to murder him with various garden tools, you need to stop drop and turn off your phone. When enjoying an adult beverage fueled evening, remember, we all love the drunk girl who dances in the corner like she’s Britney even if The Smiths are playing or sings an unrecognizable, yet peppy “Don’t Stop Believin’,” we do not love the girl crying uncontrollably to a potted plant about how she could’ve been a lawyer if her daddy just loved her more. At least not right away. Maybe when she tries taking a leak in it, we will, though. Pics or it didn’t happen.