Stranger Danger

-->
-->

As women in the professional world, unfortunately, there’s a lot of bullshit we have to deal with. This isn’t me trying to pull the “women have it tough ‘cause of all the menstruating and babies” card. This is a reality in many male-dominated fields, which advertising happens to be. We want to be a part of the group and many of us like making dirty jokes just as much as the guys do, so when someone crosses the line into creepy rape-town, it’s always a little bit difficult to navigate. Because while most of the time, the banter and interaction is innocent and just a bit off-color, there seems to always be that guy who ruins it. There’s at least one in every office, it would seem. Usually a married guy in his 30s to 40s in some sort of lower-level management position. Every woman wishes they’d die in a fire, but, alas, they can’t see it. Now, you could sit there submissively, acquiescing to their ridiculous behavior, or you could fuck up their game all together. Here are some creative ways of dealing with the beardy trunk monkey.

1.     Lurker in a Dark Corner

So you’re walking through the parking garage and he pops out of the trashcan like a horny Oscar the Grouch, backing you into a darkened corner. In truth, this is actually a really scary moment. No chick likes to be cornered by someone who wants to take them to non-consensual Bonetown. There are always the classic responses if you’re not into just cold cocking a guy. One can use pepper spray, a rape whistle, a dance off etc. But what if you don’t have any of those in your bag of tricks? I’m gonna throw something out there, just hear me out… Shit yourself. I know, I know, it sounds terrible and disgusting, but it's supposed to be. Think about it: he’s cornering some hot chick he’s trying to pressure into giving it up and she suddenly blows her pants up like a toddler eating split pea soup? Attraction gone. You’re welcome.

2.     The Desk Loiterer

Ever come back from lunch only to find someone else sitting at your desk reading your emails, playing with your papers and smelling your lotion? Or perhaps you’re plugging away and he plops his jewels right on your desk, moving them far too close to your keyboard. And since you’re tensing up, he says you could use a shoulder rub. Not only is all that uncomfortable as hell, that’s your space: why is he messing with it? Obviously, boundaries aren’t a big deal to him. So he’s inviting you to come and sit as his desk and play with his stuff, right? Of course! Does he have a gambling addiction or look at kiddy porn? Tab a few pages on his laptop, send a few questionable emails and it’ll sure look like he does. Perhaps this will get the local FBI’s attention faster than HR’s, but hey, at least he’s not trying to unclasp your bra anymore.

3.     Show and Tell

I had to deal with a coworker showing me his junk before and here’s what I did. It was at a holiday party and he got far too drunk/high to function before it even began. At about 6 pm, we were all smoking outside and he decided it was time for a little full-frontal nudity. Because when your drunk and high, it’s always a good time for full-frontal public nudity. At 6 pm. So, he stripped down to his skin and ran at me like coked up linebacker. Luckily, I saw him in the reflection of the window ahead of me and could react. The last thing I wanted was that penis anywhere near me. It looked like a hobbit hiding in the wooly Shire and I was the one ring. So I ran a few steps, turned around and threw an ice filled vodka soda on his troll. Not only did it shrink the little bugger back into submission, it destroyed his self-esteem to the point of leaving the party. If you don’t have an icy drink on hand, just punch him in the dick. Works pretty well, too.

4.     The Texter

Is he sending multiple inappropriate texts that you’re pretending you haven’t seen? “Hey cutie, I’m at a whiskey tasting, but I’d rather be tasting (insert random body part)…” Being nice to him isn’t gonna to help, it just seems to fuel his unwarranted self-esteem. Stop trying to be nice. Start acting like the thunder cunt your cousin always told you you were. Next time your little buddy sends you a text, you will send him masses of cock pictures. No explanation, just the biggest, blackest dicks you can find. Sign it, “Love Rex.” If anything, his wife will find them and think he’s having an affair with a linebacker. If you’re really lucky, though, she’s just crazy enough go for a little murder-suicide, then you don’t even have to make an HR complaint, 'cause it's taken care of itself. Hooray!

5.     The Stalker

Stalking is the highest form of flattery... obviously. But for some reason, when a random coworker knows my birthday, names of all my siblings, where I live, my credit score, etc, I’m a bit… put off. Want him to stop following you home from work and waiting for you outside your gym? Easy. Find a group of your guy friends (if you have Army buddies it works even better). Set up a fake interrogation room and have your buddies surprise the creeper after work before he gets in his car, put a bag over his head and take him there. It’s totally not kidnapping, you’re just borrowing him. They bring him to the “interrogation” room and proceed to grill him like a terrorist. They tell him you’re a covert operative and he needs to quit digging into your life, because if he doesn’t, the government will permanently silence him for the purposes of national security. Remind him that from now on, he will be watched. Scare him until he wets his Dockers and I guarantee he will never follow your cute little butt again. And as a bonus, you look like a total badass.