If I Were A Boy

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The recent attacks on women and our rights from American male leaders, authors and commentators have truly disturbed me. Rather than discuss the economy and bettering conditions for struggling Americans, the focus for many conservative lawmakers has been locked on our reproductive abilities. New laws requiring trans-vaginal ultra sounds for abortions (super rapey), calling women sluts for wanting contraception in our health care (how dare you try and keep yourself from having an unwanted pregnancy!), while simultaneously vilifying single mother for having the temerity to give birth to a child out of wedlock or raising them without a father (Santorum ridiculed single mothers for “breeding criminals” which apparently they made without any help from a father), putting doctors in an uncomfortable position of withholding information to a patient that could result in an abortion while removing any chance of malpractice due to complications (which is in direct conflict with the Hippocratic Oath) and other gems of gut wrenching rhetoric have all been the hottest topics. Women are being cut out of these conversations, because obviously our overactive uteri’s render us incapable of talking about what’s best for our bodies and families. What oh what makes us lesser than these grand humans running these parochial sausage parties? What would it be like if for just a day I could experience what it is to be a man? What would I do if I were part of the greatest of genders? Glad you asked. I’d do what is every man’s birthright and grandest ability: put my dick in as many things as possible. Here’s my top 5!

A Honeydew Melon

This delicious, sea foam colored treat from nature is an obvious choice. Warm it up and wait until it’s reached optimal ripeness and get to the getting! Honey dew me right!

My Mink Coat

If you’ve never touched a real mink coat, you ‘re missing out. A soft, furry dead animal may sound a little back woodsy, but that’s how you get pervy top 1% style (which is as close as I'll ever get to that). Only draw back would be that it was a gift from my 90 year-old Nana, so while I’d be giving the little sucker the business I’d have to stare at her initials ornately stitched into the lining. Hmmm…

Soft Boiled Ostrich Egg

I have chosen the ostrich egg, because, come on, if I had a dong, it’d be impressive and intimidating. The average egg couldn’t take its splendor. So, all I’d need is a good, Organic ostrich egg and a recipe from Gordon Ramsay on the best way to soft boil it. Delicious!

Turducken

Yes, the infamous turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed within a chicken. Let the puns begin. I could give it my own stuffing. Happy Thanksgiving, I brought the gravy! Watch out for bones, especially the one that’s turfuckin’ this turducken. And bonus: I generally steer away from sodomizing animals, but come on, it’s a foursome.

Rush Limbaugh’s Mouth

Just so we could get him to shut the fuck up for at least 10 minutes… ok, probably more like 4. But still...