I graduated from Inglemoor High School in 2002, so you know what that means: 10-year reunion. If I had the chance to go back to high school I would say “fuck no” and promptly drink myself into a stupor to flush away the memories of the frizzy hair, braces and hanging at home with Mom on prom night (totally not bitter). Yet, I’m going to my reunion. Now why is that? Glad you asked! There are 5 reasons.
Free Drinks
This needs no explanation, obviously. Is your reunion asking for some form of a cover or charging for drinks? Well, high school sucked then and it apparently still sucks. Steal a bottle from behind that craft table the dickhead bartender is working with and run like you just heard your one night stand is pregnant.
Who’s Fat?
Deny it all you want, but there’s a part of you that’s curious if those mean girls tanked out on gravy and shame. I may not be married, but that also means I haven’t popped out a couple kids, wrecked my lady business and found a permanent home with elastic waisted pants. Plus, there’s a sense of catharsis walking into a cheaply decorated gymnasium and gazing upon the volcanic ass of cottage cheese of girls who previously called you “fire crotch.” Thank you, but that term is reserved only for significant others and the homeless guy who jerks off at my bus stop.
The Train Wrecks
So you’ve got 4 kids from 5 different dads? How’s that work? Oh, there was a threesome and you were all so excited you just decided to all take credit. How quaint! Perhaps, it’s horrible, but we all kind of wonder who went off the deep end once the caps came off. Does that guy every girl drooled over still work at the car wash and watch tapes of himself playing football? Glorious. That girl who convinced your prom date you actually had another so he’d go with someone else (still not bitter) got addicted to meth and became a stripper? Fantastic! Sure, it sounds mean, but think of the fun drinking game! Every time you see the homecoming queen’s husband ignore her and stare at another girl’s tits, drink!
The Face Off
Was there a particular person who went out of their way to ensure you would have years of therapy, move far away and change your name to forget the nightmare that were your teen years? Ever wonder what it would be like to see them again and tell them what an asshole they are? Hello 10-year reunion! Reality is, you won’t have to balls to actually say anything to them and will, instead, get belligerently drunk, mumble “dick face” and projectile vomit on them. But hey, that’s pretty effective, too.
The Showboat
If your life is a million times better now than it was 10 years ago, you want to show it off. Does it sound shallow and self-serving? Sure, but isn’t that was high school reunions are all about? As for me, I didn’t get fat, I have an awesome job and now I’ve actually been on a real date (more than one, even!). So, while you continue folding shirts at the Gap at your local mall, I’m sure you get loads of tail when you use your discount card at the Pink Berry. “Sure baby, you can have extra sprinkles.” Wink!
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